We Have Been Saved From the Horror of the Planet of the Apes!

Thank whatever Gods may be that our national conscience, our fair land, the very planet we live on, and even—dare I say it—Christmas itself (!!!) has been saved by the U. S. government.  Yes, in the midst of concern over unemployment, an economy in transition, unresolved wars and intransigent, undisciplined citizens our governmental guardians have found time to save us all by ending the use of chimpanzees in medical and scientific research.  Having seen the original movie, Planet of the Apes, and been totally frightened off by the sinister trailers for, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, I can tell you that this little wide-eyed blond will be sleeping better tonight.  

            Here is how the saving of the planet from rampaging primates on horseback came down.  [By the way, is it just me, or do chimps charging into the fray on horses sound too much like bringing a knife to a gun fight?  But I digress.]  Dr. Francis Collins, director of the National Institutes of Health, ruled that the similarity of Chimps with humans, “demands special consideration and respect.”  It seems that the prestigious Institute of Medicine has had enough free time (what with cancer, diabetes, Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s all being cured) to determine that, “…most use of chimpanzees for invasive medical research no longer can be justified—and that strict new limits should determine which experiments are important enough to outweigh the moral cost of involving this species that is so like us.”  Without this legislation, we would end up abusing genetically improved primates, totally pissing them off, and facing the consequences when they violently overthrow the government.  [Mid-level governmental functionaries should never be allowed to go to sci-fi movies and then make policy.  But, again, I digress.]           

There are a few things that need to be clarified here.  First, chimps and humans do share 96% if their DNA.  Darwin was on to something, and those who want to deny evolution are simply wrong.  The number of genetic differences between chimps and man are ten times less than between rats and mice.  It isn’t so much that we descended from chimps, but that we are forked branches from the same tree.  That means that there is much we can and have learned by using chimps for scientific research.  However they are also large, expensive and potentially dangerous animals (even if you don’t give them superhuman intelligence and English saddles).  For these and many other reasons experimenting on chimps has been limited and dwindling to the point of rare, all without policy pronouncements.  Some things simply die a natural death, and experimenting with chimps is one of those things. 

Since I try to be both a realist and only minimally hypocritical, I will say that I think medical and scientific research should be done only sparingly on animals.  It should be done when needed, and with a sense of human decency.  Obviously, the closer a living creature approaches a human countenance, the more human decency I want shown.  [It is the height of hypocrisy that we don’t want chimps, puppies or cute little bunnies used in testing, but we don’t seem to give a crap about frogs, worms and beetles.  Is it life we respect or just cute life?  Darn, I’m digressing again!]

In any event, with the stress of the holidays and the daily news swirling about me, I can now draw an easy breath that the horrors of recently released sci-fi movies have been avoided by our intrepid government. 

Enjoy your holiday, and keep the faith.