Football in America

This is my year to study, understand and become conversant in football. 

Perhaps a bit of background is in order.  There were no sports played, discussed or promoted in my house.  My father did watch the Wednesday and Friday night fights and I, being the Tom-boy in the family, watched with him.  I was probably the only nine year old girl in Denver who knew what a 10 point must scoring system was.  But boxing has long ago lost its charm.

That leaves me with trying to catch up to football.  It will be a stretch.  I once commented that when it came to football, I was lucky to know there were ten men on a side—only to find out there are eleven.  Whoops!  But I am intelligent and know how to dissect complex things.  The theory of relatively makes sense to me, how challenging can football be?  Right?

[Pride goeth before the destruction; and a haughty spirit before the fall.  Proverbs 16-18]

In a sensible, well constructed battle plan, I got my housework done early and supper in the no-attention-required crock pot.  My equipment included a legal pad, colored high-lighters, the remote control programmed so I could bounce from one game to another, and the computer search ready to look up terms that confused me.  Pouring a generous scotch on the rocks, I was ready to learn what football had to offer. 

This is what I have learned.

Fact 1.  When the quarterback takes up his position behind the center his first job is to look at the defensive players and deduce what they are going to do.  

While the quarterback is deducing, a commercial for erectile dysfunction is shown to the television audience so they don’t lose interest in all that deduction.  Erectile dysfunction is referred to as ED (fewer syllables) and evidently only afflicts men in their late 20’s or early 30’s.  We know this because the women who are upset by this dysfunction are all in that 20-30 year age group.  Thank goodness, women in their 60’s and 70’s don’t have to worry about ED.  Otherwise women my age would be in those commercials, right?  I assume they run these commercials because the football players are all (unfortunately) in the afflicted age group.  Personally, I blame it on all that heavy, sweaty padding.

            Fact 2.  The center is the innermost offensive lineman and touches the ball more than any other position.  He snaps the ball and then moves forward toward the corresponding defensive opponent.  While the center is moving forward there is another commercial about forward movement featuring a very good looking man in stylish clothes driving a beautiful and expensive new car.  This man says he isn’t driving this car to be cool and I believe him.  He is the same age as the women complaining about the men in their lives having ED.  This man is trying to compensate for his failures in the bedroom.  He doesn’t need that car.  He needs medication!

Fact 3.   The linebacker must possess the most knowledge of any of the defense men because he must diagnose the offensive intent in a split second and respond accordingly.  While the linebacker is diagnosing, they play a commercial about beer.  This commercial doesn’t worry about young men at all; it features an older man.  He is calm, in charge and successful.  He wants us to stay thirsty and drink beer.  He is also surrounded by beautiful, smiling women. 

I think I’ve got football down to its basics.  This sport is all about the women.

Keep the faith.