Steam Cleaning Vaginas and Why This Column is Not for the Men

In case the title did not convince the men in my audience to forgo this column, let me warn you right now that both some of the language and one of the references will make you squirm. 

            It seems that Gwyneth Paltrow is advocating that all women get their vaginas steam cleaned.  Does Bissell even make an attachment for that?  The first thing I thought when I read that was “…what on earth did she spill down there?”  But one must consider the source.

            Gwyneth Paltrow is a movie star, but that term just doesn’t mean the same thing now that it did when Kathryn Hepburn and Bette Davis were on the silver screen.  Paltrow is a pale woman.  That describes her skin, eyes, talent and mental abilities.  Balancing that, she has good looks, good breeding  (sired by producer Bruce Paltrow out of actress Blyth Danner), and a high school diploma from a very expensive New York Boarding school. 

            She is the classic example of a person born on third base who thinks they have hit a triple.  Her life was one of privilege—which is wonderful if you are also raised with the humility to know that much of your good fortune is an accident of birth.  In many ways being born to privilege requires people to work harder.  Our little Gwyneth has not figured that out.  This is a woman who has, at various times, said the following:

1)      Being a working mother and homemaker must have its challenges, but it isn’t the same as being on the set of a movie.  [She brags about the nannies her children have had teaching them French and Spanish.]

2)     I am who I am; I can’t pretend I’m someone who only makes $25,000 a year.  [This statement I actually think is correct.  A woman making $25K/year is working—hard—for every dime.  Gwyneth isn’t going to relate to that.]

The list of strange things this vacuous and plastic little twit believes could fill a small book.  [Now that sounds appropriate.]  Let it suffice to say that she thinks water molecules rearrange themselves according to the words or music played around them.  You can apparently piss off water and it will do bad things.  Hopefully, the only sounds the water in her vagina steam cleaning machine are soothing ones.  I hate to think what would happen to righteously indignant water vapor when it was being shot in super-heated form up that particular tunnel of love.   

In order to ensure that there are no slip ups in the tranquil water front, Ms Paltrow gets her vagina scrubbed at a spa which only charges her $50 for a 30 minute squirt.  What is more (and this is the part that will make the men squirm) the same little procedure can be done for the man in your life except the steam goes up his tunnel of love.  I’m thinking her insistence on that cleansing may have led to her last “conscious uncoupling.”  I know for a fact that my husband would be running for the exit, and he’s a tough bugger.

I can not imagine why one would want to steam clean one’s vagina.  I do know that doctors caution against this and list a long line of very bad things that can happen if you take your hygiene advice from a has-been movie star.  But the best argument I heard against Paltrow’s steam cleaning agenda was from a woman on Facebook who said “If you have to steam clean that, you need Jesus.”

Stick to a washcloth and keep the faith.