A Top Ten List and a Downward Spiral

The world is too heavy today.  Let’s take a walk on the light side--something that is not easy for me.   When Andy Rooney finally retires, Sixty Minutes will be knocking on my door for their new resident curmudgeon.  There are, of course, some serious differences between Mr. Rooney and me.  He is masculine, jowly and hirsute.  I am feminine, less jowly and wax.  But Andy and I do share a growing, growling shortness with the fools and the foolish in this world. 

When I was in administration I kept a lump of coprolite (fossilized dinosaur dung) on my desk.  Every time I had to deal diplomatically with a person who was all mouth and no brain I picked up that geological paperweight and passed it from hand to hand while I dealt with the malcontent.  What I meant by this coded gesture was my own secret, but it helped diffuse a tremendous amount of frustration.  Toward the end of my career I was using that rock like a string of worry beads. 

There is evidence to suggest that we are all programmed to deal with big problems and maintain emotional equilibrium.   Meeting a perilous situation with a cool head means survival.  Many people will tell you that they took care of business during the crisis, but fell to pieces once they were safe and sound in their own bed.  Experience shows that it is the little things that turn us into felons.  It isn’t her husband squandering a fortune on a dance hall girl, but the consistent leaving of the toilet seat up that has more than one woman silently thumbing the blade of her best kitchen knife.  You can see I am walking a fine line of sanity here. 

Rather than taking measures that would lead to incarceration, I choose to simply become caustic.  Here are the people who comprise my top ten irritants.

(1)                            People who ask me if I am a natural blond.  For what I pay for this hair, I get to call it natural if I want to.

(2)                            The perpetual victims of this world who look at thin people and say, “You’re lucky to be naturally thin.”  No, I’m lucky to be able to choke down a salad every blessed day for lunch when what I really want is a burger, fries and a chocolate shake. 

(3)                            Media or politicians who castigate the rich without defining what, “rich” means because that would tip off potential voters to their real intent.     

(4)                            Anyone who criticizes the spouses of politicians for drinking.  If I was married to most of those pusillanimous little know-it-alls, I’d drink, too. 

(5)                            Movie critics who suspend literary merit and think that any theme that celebrates gays and/or denigrates mainstream religions is automatically meritorious. 

(6)                            The current use of the terms, “Czar” and, “Gang of Six” which originally were used in totalitarian or communistic reference.  Are media pundits trying to desensitize us, or are they simply ignorant?

(7)                            Parents who have put their children instead of themselves in charge of their households.    

(8)                            Political commercials paid for by our taxes, like those currently coming our way from the EPA.   

(9)                            People who are profane in public.  Keep your lack of discipline and taste to yourself.  I will figure it out without your help. 

(10)                        Anybody who ignores their responsibilities as a driver to use any electrical device.  If what you have to do or say is that important pull over!  Your conversation is not worth a single life. 

As you can see, Andy, I’m getting close but I’m not ready yet.  Hang in there, and keep the faith.