Ballmaxxing, What Could Go Wrong?

The person standing in front of the mirror was certain that added size would also add confidence, enhanced self-respect, even allure.  They would suddenly be stronger, more assertive, less likely to be overlooked in the workplace and the mating market.  Never mind that the body is simply not made for what was being contemplated.

To add that kind of size required the injection of foreign substances into sensitive areas that contain delicate structures, blood vessels and nerves, none of which were designed for rapid and extreme distention.   Doctors spoke of the risk of infections, abscesses, sepsis and cellulitis. 

It is not a woman, but a man, standing in front of the mirror.  The current slaves to plastic fashion are men.  And they are considering a procedure called “ballmaxxing.”  Before I go any further let me say, as clearly as I can, that you must not do this.  It is dangerous, painful and laughably insecure. 

Having bigger balls is not going to make you a stronger force in the workplace.  For that matter, how is anyone going to know you have changed your masculine A-cup to a DD?  The only way you could share this information would be a one-way ticket to Human Resources.  As for giving you more personal machismo, it is hard to have that insouciant swagger when you have a raging case of fevered cellulitis between your legs.  Think it through, folks!

This is not the first time the men of this country have been encouraged to do something that is embarrassingly weird.  Before ballmaxxing there was perineum sunning. 

 If you were not part of the perineum sunning fad (good for you!) let me refresh your memory.  Here is the big picture here.  No, wait, a big picture is not what any of us want.  It boggles the mind. 

Ballmaxxing is straight forward; stick a needle in your scrotum and pump it up with saline.  Perineum sunning, however, needs and defies explanation.  If you are going to sun your perineum, first you must know where it is.  Let’s just say that to sun one’s perineum requires an extremely vulnerable position.  You must expose delicate and thin tissue which has erstwhile never seen the sun to exactly that “bright eye of heaven.”  Picture a row of men getting a healthy glow on their paler parts by lying on their backs, facing the sun with their legs cast upward in a super-sized “V” (for victory????)  sign.   One needs just enough torque on the legs to assure a good dose of ultraviolet on the—oh—I just can’t say it.

We have now come to the question that can’t be answered.  Why?

Whether man or woman, are you really convinced that the size of your parts define you as a person?  If so, you are wrong.  Do you really think that large balls or sunny “whatevers” give you an edge in this world?  You are foolishly wrong.  And you are ridiculously wrong if you really believe that your life choices should be made by people you only know as influencers (which means they are unemployable, snake oil shills and probably living on an allowance).

I would like to add one note to this discussion of what makes a man.  My husband and I live in a nudist resort where people are judged solely by what exists from the neck up.  People may call us crazy, but the stupidest thing I have ever seen anyone do here is load a wood-chipper wearing nothing but protective goggles and steel-toed shoes. 

Bigger does not equal better.  Remember that and keep the faith. 

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