What Makes a Great Bar?

I have unilaterally declared, “The Lazy Lizard” in Pine Creek, Northern Territories as Australia’s best bar.  My totally unscientific determination is subjective, but, as Billy Graham once said about puppy love, “It may be puppy love, but it’s real to the puppy.” 

In the very small (but tidy) town of Pine Creek, on the lonely road between Katherine and Darwin, the jumping off place for Kakadu National Park, sits The Lazy Lizard.  Part gas station, part grocery, part RV park it is also the biggest, best, most inviting, charming, can’t-get-enough-of-it bar in all of Australia.  The building is made of unfinished bricks cut from the ever-present termite mounds.  The décor is Western, with old photos of the, “stockmen” who tamed the horses and managed the cattle.  These are people who can recite Banjo Paterson’s great poem, “The Man From Snowy River” by heart. 

The music is easy listening classic rock straight from the United States.  Even if you can’t name the artist or correct title, you know the words to all of them.  The beer is cold, the food delicious, the outdoor tables cool and bug free (thanks to lots of fans).  Carved wood was everywhere, even forming the sinks in the bathroom.  Yup, I would make a special trip just to go back to that bar.  The Lazy Lizard is the best bar in Australia—and I’ve got the T-shirt to prove it.  

            This begs the question of what makes a bar, “great.”  I am no expert on bars, having only been in a few, but I know one when I see one.  First of all, it needs to have a wide selection of beer on tap.  I don’t mean 3 beers, I mean six to  eight, with eight being the preferred number.  It also has to have three times that number available in bottles.  This is where your exotic and rare imports come in.  It should also have a few PBR’s available in cans for die-hards who have lost all of their taste buds on chewing tobacco.  Yes, I am the kind of person who hates beer in cans.  There are three things which should only (!!!) be drunk in glass containers—beer, wine and milk.  [Trust me on that last one; I am a dairyman’s daughter and I know these things.]  

            Second, a great bar has to have a comfortable and distinctive décor.  No Manhattan martini bar mirrors and plants.  No disco balls and endless tiers of chrome stairs.  I want wood, leather and guy stuff—but with clean toilets and comfy chairs. 

            A great bar needs old music—the kind of stuff to which even the rhythmically impaired can dance, or at least sway with the music.  Karaoke is a nice touch.

Good food is essential.  Not wraps and salads (they can be on the menu, but they aren’t what really count).  I am talking about bar ‘n grill food: burgers, sausage and pizza.  If you are in St. Louis you better add chili to that list; New Orleans needs crayfish; Kansas City needs ribs---you get the picture.  Any desserts better involve chocolate and ice cream.     

            Finally, a great bar needs great people: servers who are glad you are there and are willing to have a good time with you: cute girls, hunky guys and a few characters showing up as regulars.  Now that is a great bar!

            Finally, a great bar should be visited occasionally, but not regularly. 

            Enjoy some time with friends and keep the faith.