This is Not About Father's Day

I am one of the lucky people who had a great father.  He was a loving, good natured man who never met a stranger.  When I was growing up, Mom was the law and Dad was the gospel.  He could always be counted on to make a joke of our foibles and give us a pass on minor infractions.  Mom, on the other hand, was sure that cutting us a break while young meant moral weakness later on.  They were a good team, which, I am sure, is how nature meant it.  Parenting is a young person’s sport and a two person job when ever possible.  Yes, I know there are plenty of great single parent homes out there but it surely can’t be easy. 

            Fathers are frequently the least appreciated and acknowledged part of the parental team.  [Part of the feminist movement seems to be not so much elevating women as denigrating men.]  Studies have shown us that if you want to raise strong, independent daughters with a positive sense of self-worth, the presence of a loving, involved father is absolutely essential.  All children who have positive, sustained, daily interaction with their fathers start school with better vocabularies, better cognitive processes and more emotional equanimity than their peers who are absent caring fathers.  While these involved fathers can exist outside of marriage, they are much more often found in a marital relationship.  Commitment is as commitment does.  

            I don’t believe that these advantages are due to the superiority of a Y chromosome. I believe they accrue from the synergism of two caring people sharing the intense load of raising an infant to be a happy, productive, responsible, self-sufficient, contributing human being. 

This is no small task!  When you have a child you are committing yourself to working for the worst boss you will ever have.   A baby does not care how tired you are, how sick, how worried, frustrated or angry your day has made you.  A baby only knows it was needs it can not articulate and that you—the parent—are its only source of comfort.  A baby, indeed any child, is not capable of reason.  They do not have the synaptic possibilities of logical analysis for the first two decades of their life.  They may tell you what they think you want to hear, but that does not mean they really understand—ergo believe—ergo will act on—what you say.    [Can I get an, “Amen” from anyone with a teen-ager?]

While I do not claim any superiority for man’s requisite Y chromosome, I do believe that it makes men different in important ways.  That difference tends to complete the marital bond that makes parenting an optimal team effort.  I have frequently said that I love men; I just don’t understand them.  While this is said in humor it also contains that necessary kernel of truth which all humor requires.  Men are different.  Fathers approach children and child rearing in subtly different ways.  The proof that this works is that evolution (a rigorous and relentless crucible) has programmed humans to seek this societal construct. 

Cultures that end up in trouble are those that try to side-step the presence of fathers in child-rearing.  Look at the generations of fatherless children in our inner cities who are lacking in everything that counts: education, motivation, personal discipline, integrity…the list goes on.  These children are failing because their culture has reduced the role of father to that of sperm donor. 

So this column is not about Father’s Day, it is about the honored role of men in raising our children. 

Honor thy father, and keep the faith.