Tucker Carlson And Sunburning Parts

 

It seems that Tucker Carlson is sure that what ails America is a lack of testosterone on the part of our males.  He is also convinced that we could “man up” by applying some sun to the male genitalia.  Carlson, never an original thinker, is simply reviving the concept of perineum sunning which became popular a few years back.  Before any of you men out there become seriously sunburned in your nether regions, I would like you to get the big picture here. 

Actually, a big picture may not be what any of us want.  It boggles the mind.  No, we definitely do not want the big—really big—panoramic—full technicolor--picture.  Especially if it involves Tucker.  But I digress.

Now there are several things about perineum sunning that need explaining, and one that escapes explanation entirely. 

First, there is the question of Tucker himself.  This unfolding story convinces me that while this man’s bank account may be in seven digits, his I.Q. is certainly in two. 

Second, there is the perineum.  Where is it?  Let’s just say that to sunburn one’s perineum requires an extremely vulnerable position.  You must expose delicate and thin tissue which was erstwhile never seen by the sun to exactly that “bright eye of heaven.”  Photos show a row of men getting a healthy glow on their paler parts (framed as delicately as broadcast television can allow) by lying on their backs, facing the sun with their legs cast upward in a super-sized “V” (for victory????)  sign.   There was just enough torque on the legs to assure a good dose of ultraviolet on the….oh, I just can’t say it.

So, finally, we come to the question that can’t be answered.  Why would anyone do something so fraught with laughable naivete? The obvious answer is they didn’t think it through, but that still leaves a “why” hanging out there just like an exposed perineum. 

I believe you could go into the midst of almost any place of employment and quiz the working men therein if they think there is any advantage to perineum sunning.  [Bring alone a picture of the same and an urban dictionary so you don’t have to explain too much.]  Once the laughter has calmed down (no small amount of time, by the way) you will be given a resoundingly negative response. 

But if you are Tucker Carlson you cannot possibly go alone with the feeling of the majority.  That would mean their intellectual acumen was easily on a par with yours.  I can hear Tucker now, “No.  No, I say.  It cannot be.  It must not be. I must be the smartest perineum in the room!”  Carlson could not sleep without proof that he is a better breed of person than the average man.  If that means sunburning parts it is a sacrifice he is willing to make.  

I would like to add one note to this.  My husband and I live in a nudist resort.  People may call us crazy, but the stupidest thing I have ever seen anyone do here, is load a wood-chipper wearing nothing but protective googles and steel-toed shoes.  At least they were wearing sunblock.

If the Almighty wanted certain things sunned, He would have put them on your head instead of between your legs.  Remember that and keep the faith.